Time for a break

I've been running on empty for a while now and yesterday it really caught up with me. For many months my routine has consisted of going to bed after 2am and getting less than six hours sleep. I haven't been taking care of myself and it's showing. I need balance. This might mean creating a different writing schedule.

I've fallen in love with writing but if I fail to balance my life, I'll have little energy left to create or learn about the craft. I've noticed it's gotten harder and I think it's due more to a lack of rest than writer's block.

Had a nap this afternoon and still feel tired. Grrr.

Analysis Paralysis

Today's the last day for tweaking the project. I've fallen back into an ocean of doubt. I read over the material and questions arise. Is this what I want to submit? Then arguments arise why this I should and shouldn't go with what I have. My brain is like a dog chasing its own tail and I feel worn out.

Part of my problem is I'm an all or nothing gal. It's got to be an A+ effort or it's not doing at all. Intellectually I understand that one's best efforts fluctuates by the day, hour and minute. Right now I feel like I'm talking myself into a calm that I'm not sure I believe.

But there's great value in completing the project and submitting it. The experience itself pushes my momentum forward.

On another note, my mother read chapter one yesterday. No editing. I had a lovely chat with my girl Kaia and that bolstered my decision to just go with it. Having her support and encouragement means a lot. Ah, wait till she reads the rest. (snicker).

Back to work.

Mama says...

...she wants to read my material. Gulp.

My mother's pretty cool and has a good sense of humor. We can talk about anything and have. That said she goes to church every Sunday so the notion of letting her read everything I've written makes me blush. She's no prude but the idea of my mom reading some of the more racy material is pretty mortifying. And funny.

I don't know what her reaction would be and since she's my mom she'll probably feel a certain pressure to be supportive...or not. I wonder if she'll cringe at the naughty bits--not because they're there, but because I wrote them and it might not be an accomplishment she's proud to tout.

I know a lot of this is my own perception along with the fact that I tend to be a more private, introverted personality. There's also this--I don't know if stigma is the correct word--label or perception attached to romance writing that doesn't exist with other forms of fiction. I don't know why that is since romance handedly beats out other genres in terms of sales. Even one of the editing books I often refer to (Stein On Writing) calls the genre transient. And these are his readers/customers he's turning his nose up at!

I might just bite the bullet and let her read a chapter. I know she wants to feel included in this thing she knows takes up a lot of my time. Thing is she's an excellent proofreading and I need one. I swear God has a wicked sense of humor.

The week that was

The last few days have been devoted to the Tara project. I got into a frenzy over analyzing the options but yesterday that all settled and there's a great deal of relief in that. Now it's onto finishing the synopsis and completing the package.

It's funny that now my time to devote to chapter four is limited, I'm stomping at the bit to finish it. Hope the feeling's still there when the time rolls around. I would love to have it submitted by Wednesday in time to post next weekend. Doubt that's realistic though. I finish up the material for Tara first, finish chapter four then edit it. It's like a building with lots of scaffolding right now.

Sunday

A dear friend of mine gave birth to her first child today.

While at lunch, there was a family with two little boys sitting nearby. The blonde boy's name was Noah. Gotta love kismet.

Music

Songs on the list were chosen to match the scenes in my head. Some of them capture exactly what I want to evoke. For others, it's a lyric or title that speaks to me or encapsulates a character's POV. I did this before I got into the story because I was still writing Kismet and wanted to have a record of the ideas that would come in odd moments. Like when I'm in the shower.

I'll confess now that I love, love, love music. I could go on and on every song on this list. And I just might.

The chorus for Foolish Games sums up the breakup so well. There's a wistfulness to Jewel's voice and the musical arrangement that made it the lead off song of choice. She's narrating this scene in a way that's accepting and yet she's sad about what it all means: The end of a love affair. Katy Perry's Hot 'n Cold is classic Alex/Sascha. That's what they've been doing for the months prior to the opening scene.

Glorybox for instance is where Sascha's at right now. She wants to enjoy and be enjoyed as a woman, not as a fixer of problems or whatever role she's allowed herself to fall into. She needs to catch her breath and see the world again, which makes Hunter a cool choice too.

The line in Paramore's "there is something...I see in you...it might kill me...I want it to be true" and that riff is so visceral, it describes Alex's hold on her to a tee. And speaking of Mr Tortured, I had him built in my mind but couldn't get the words out. I found Cold and You can do much better than me and Closer then added my imagination. Voila. I can get lost in writing Alex, he's so inward and tormented and contrary. I love it that his energy can be charming and subversive at once.

It's been fun building this playlist, many old favorites appear here and it's a departure for me because I tend to gravitate these days to techno or downtempo tunes. I'm not much of a love song kind of gal.

I better haul butt. I have things to do. Namely the last scene of chapter four.

Tired

There's an urgency as of late. Like I'm rushing to beat the clock and I must get certain things crossed off the list. And this mindset has made me hyper aware of my slow writing pace. It feels like I'm psyching myself out.

I'm tired. No other way to put it. By the time I get the quiet time to sit down and write, my brain feels like mush--too much like mush to channel two other characters' thoughts and concerns. But I push myself to do it because I want to make the most of this time.

Posting on Lit has given me a sense of accountability. It was hard writing in a vacuum with only one or two people to talk shop with. Knowing that there are readers out there who are entertained and curious about the characters makes the writing feel less solitary and keeps me going when I wonder if the story really matters. There's a sense of community that isn't there when you're writing for yourself and by yourself.

At the end of the day, it matters to me. But it's the sharing that's special. And so I sometimes feel bad that I'm not cranking out a new chapter every week. I question if I should have held off a little longer with posting until I had a five chapter lead. Then I remember with Jac said about not letting her writing become a source of stress.

And you know what? At the rate I was going, I might not have gotten to chapter five for several more months. I had gotten into a crippling habit of over-analyzing every word and every paragraph. In this new chapter, there's a stronger forward momentum. In some way, my readers have become my invisible partners. They push me further than I think I can go.

So I end this post feeling grateful.

Setting up shop

Setting up a blog feels like decorating a new home. My last address was over at Myspace but as they say in real estate: Location, location, location.

The blog section over there didn't feel as inviting. The neighborhood felt too random to suit me. Maybe here I'll find an enclave of writers or at least people who appreciate them--those gypsies called readers. Or maybe I'll go unnoticed. Like the neighbor you see every day but don't pay attention to because they've blended into your daily routine.

My intention for this new home? I'll stop by, confess what's on my mind. Ramble a bit and record the story behind the stories I write. Maybe my reader friends will stop by and share their thoughts with me. Whether it's kudos, questions, suggestions or critiques, as long as it comes from a good place, you're all welcome.

I don't know how often I'll haunt this space. Time spent here, means times away from something else. And with the way my computer's been going, it takes a half out to create a five minute e-mail. Let's see how this blogging thing pans out, yes?