There I go

All packed up and ready to unpack.

Packing it all up

It's been over two months since I posted an update. With a snap of fingers, the weeks have flown by. The remodel ran longer than planned, which caused the move date to be delayed. The tile order that was supposed to take two weeks to come in, wound up taking five. The last nine weeks have been go, go, go. And it looks like the new computer that is so desperately needed, is going to have to wait.

How I wish I had a cabin in the mountains where I could retreat to and rest. Of course it would have a functional computer, internet, and Borders Bookstore nearby. (Their caramel lattes put Starbucks to shame).

The writing bug returned thanks to my friend Kaia and I was able get over the hump that pestered me. Many times, I wanted to give up, figured no one would care to read CBG anymore and there is another story on the back burner I've wanted to get into. Soular has also been en her own gentle way. I'm grateful for the support and inspiration.

I'm longing to have a day where I can shut away for hours and type to my heart's content. There are about one to two scenes to finish. Then I have to edit the whole chapter. With the way things are going, I don't know if there'll be time to get it ready for Thanksgiving.

Back to packing now. It's odd how the stuff just isn't disappearing!

Today's a special day.

Getting my groove back

It's a gorgeous summer day and I feel that urge to write getting stronger. I'm longing to visit Sascha's world again.

House hunting

I might be moving soon and doing so with a heavy heart. There's no time for writing these days.

Rain break

It just started raining. The trees are swaying and the pattering against the windows, walls and railings sounds like a wind chime. So pretty. My dog's not going to like it though. She needs to walk once the rain stops.

I'm back to writing. It's slow going. I'm on the third or forth version of the same scene I've been working on for over a week. Last night I started a new story to distract myself and prove that I could get a hundred words in. I made it to five hundred. This one's a suspense though. I wanted to go in a completely different direction and practice external conflict more.

But I'm going to refocus on CBG today. I think if I let myself get swept up in another story, I risk having two incomplete works on hand. Discipline in this arena is good.

Wow, it's pouring down now. Poor doggie. I should have taken her out sooner. Ah, it's slowing down again. No, typed that too soon.

I caught the last half of the Jersey Housewives reunion. Is that show bananas or what? Must catch the repeat this evening! Sarah's House is coming up in a few minutes on Fine Living. She's got fabulous taste.

Rain stopped again.

A mind shift is needed

June has been an unsettling, bad-news month so far. Subsequently, writing has taken a backseat because it feels self-indulgent. It's also become a frustrating microcosm of the other areas of my life: I'm not making the progress I think I should be making; the way isn't clear. (So much for the escapism of it.) That's when I question the point of staying up past 1 in the morning tapping away on the keyboard. You can liken it to the tree falling in the forest and no one hears it--does it count?

But someone left the following comment a few days ago: "This story, your writing, it's just beautiful. The emotion that just seems to pour from the text as I'm reading is truly breath-taking. I've laughed, I've gotten choked up. Absolutely beautiful."


That was like someone offering a hand to pull me up. Upon reading the comment, I grabbed the flash drive and did a rewrite. Chapter five should be called: 'Agony'. My appreciation for published authors has deepened more and more.

I've got a few quiet days this week (fingers crossed that the plumbing and the household fix its are resolved) and one of my favorite writers sent in new material to edit, which is a treat and inspiring too. Hopefully, I'll get some decent sleep and regroup. I sure need it.

Where I'm going

The following quote by Erich Fromm captures the heart of Sascha's journey. It's one we all take. Some of us find our way faster than others.

Immature love says: I love you because I need you. Mature love says: I need you because I love you.

Revisiting Point of View

It's late. I had planned to get some writing time in but seeing that I have to be up early, it's a bad idea. A headache's coming on and staring at computer glare is a no-no. Feeling disappointed and a bit guilty because I wrote but two days this week and went to bed almost at 2am every night. Sometimes later because I was doing research. (Rereading books and blogs on writing) . StillI need the rest.

I've been reintroduced to the principles surrounding good point-of-view (POV) techniques. Up until now it was something I did instinctively then that got mixed in with how other writer's did it. I'm delving more into "hows" and "whys" and as I do this, I see it's an area for improvement. Chapter five of CBG will be my first go at a more disciplined approach to POV. It also means format changes for the previous chapters. Yep, I'm still a youngin when it comes to this writing thing.

When the draft is completed, and I go to edit mode, I'll be looking to see if my POVs add tension, reveal underlying dynamics and convey info that can't be achieved through dialogue and beats, and if the scene doesn't "belong" to one character. I think this will help in finding my voice and avoiding the rookie trap of deferring to what another author has done in the past--just because I haven't studied a particular topic enough to make my own choice on what to do.

Chapter five is looking to be a 2 chapters in1. Yikes!

Based on the outline, the two need to be linked to create a balanced pace and show the passage of time. Separated, they seem to dangle. It would be alright in a complete book where the reader could just read on but since the story is being written and posted in installments, it's best to tackle the material in one go.

Right now it looks like CBG's not going past ten chapters. The ending I've had in mind still rings true. For now it's going to be ambiguous/open.

On the nights that ran too late to grab the flash drive and start writing, I mitigated my guilt by editing my playlist. Yep, I tried to fool myself into believing I was being productive. One of the readers at Lit has suggested songs to listen check out. I love that!

The Pens totally gave away game 5 (and if you're a hockey fan, you know winning game five is a blessing). Yeah, the Wings played well but it wasn't so much that they won the game with their play, as much as the Pens lost it. Watching the game was a buzz kill. And do I hate the hockey coverage on NBC. Thank you Gary Betteman for turning the game into an afterthought when it comes to media coverage. You can literally blink and miss an ESPN hockey update while basketball gets extensive pre-game and post-game coverage. Let me not talk about football.

My computer's giving me 'tude so I better vamoose soon.

Inked

Isn't odd how once your mind is preoccupied with a certain idea that it keeps popping up in your daily life?

I've taken more notice of tattoos because of Noah in CBG and I'm surprised just how prevalent they are. The thing that has struck me most is there is no longer a "type" of guy who has them. The guy running shirtless--thanks for the view. The yuppie-ish dad pushing his toddler daughter in a stroller during a grocery store run. A lot of the patterns peeking out from shirtsleeves seem to be the result of the nineties barbed-wire armband craze. I wonder if they regret commiting something that's so prevalent now that it's no longer "cool".

It's funny how fashion and styles evolve in that the projected image changes. When I was growing up, tatoos were a rite of rebellion, now it's body art.

Where I'm at

I was up until 3am. Got into the second scene of chapter five. I didn't fall asleep until after 4am and had that groggy, I've-just-woken-up feeling for the first three hours of my day. I felt like I was coming down with a cold or something. Most likely it's my messed up sleep schedule that's got me feeling lethargic.

I had the idea of getting up a few hours earlier in the morning to write because the ideas come to me often during the day. By the time I do get to sit down and write, it takes me a while to get my head in that mode. Also there might be less distractions in the morning.

Alas, I'm not a morning person. But I want to give it a go and see. I'm going to have to reset my sleep clock and start going to bed earlier so that I can wake up fresh to do a morning write.

The Wings just won the Western Conference. Ugh. Not unexpected though. I thought the Stanley Cup would be a rematch of last year's, despite hoping the Ducks would've eliminated the Wings. The Pens really came out strong this year and have looked better as a team as they advanced. I'm hoping for a reverse of last year's outcome.

Okay, I better work on the chapter.

Escaping into the open.

I don't like the word Writer's Block. Part of me believes that if a writer uses that term, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can only speak from my experience, but in that funk that other folks call a block, I'm actually writing. And thinking about what I want to write. And turning ideas over in my head. The problem? It's the inner voice of judgment, that rejects the ideas and words as not good enough. But I'm right there at the keyboard tapping away or scribbling in my myriad notebooks.

I've been in a funk throughout Cherry Blossom Girl. Or maybe I'm just a slow writer. Really slow. It started towards the end of Kismet and its continuation was quite unexpected. The idea for CBG had been drafted and stored in a Word file since February 2008. I'd learned from my mistakes in Kismet and was really gung-ho about starting Sascha's story. But then I got into knit-picking and agonizing over every word. So from late September to March, I got about 2 1/2 chapters done.

In the last month or so, I've come to the realization that I needed to give that up and just write out my ideas. I guess I'm anal or stubborn, take your pick, because it's like trying to quit smoking.

During the peak of my frustration, I got Escaping into the Open by Elizabeth Berg. I haven't finished it yet becauseI focused on finishing chapter four, but it's a supportive conversation. It's not a tutorial per se but there are anecdotes and shared wisdoms that are comforting. It's like sitting down and spending an afternoon having tea with a wise friend. She did address the whole WB issue (notice I'm not using the term) and she doesn't call it that either. She made it feel like a natural part of the ebb and flow and that one should just have faith that the creative energies will return.

The wonderful thing I've gotten out of Literotica is the support and encouragement from readers and especially from other writers I've become friendly with. You don't feel like a nut when you go on about a particular scene, your struggles and concerns have merit.

Berg gave a story about a book she was contracted to write, one she had reservations about. Then she got a sign, can't remember what it was, and it turned out to be great. I do believe in those things so it made me smile that a bestselling author as believes that the universe sends about it's signs. Last week, Oprah had a guest named Noah. And some other things have appeared as well.

I came upon an interview Nora Roberts did for Borders that came as a cosmic nudge. She doesn't believe in muses. Well, no wonder I always feel like my muse is on the train I keep missing. In writing this all down, a thought just dawn on me. Labels and constructs can be very confining. So I'm doing my best to escape into the open.

Lit Awards.

I noticed that Lit has added a new story series feature and changed the layout of how stories appear in their respective categories. The story series feature is helpful because it's visually easier for a reader to find a story, especially if the author has a big catalog.

Also the 10th annual Lit awards wrap up this week, if I'm not mistaken. Some of my writer friends are nominated and I hope you'll check them out--along with the other nominees-- and vote!

A quickie

Need to do some final editing on chapter four. It's 95 per cent done. I hope. I've started outlining chapter five to get the momentum rolling foward. Been busy. I've been trying to do better with my shedule but I can't say much has changed. Still had some late nights/early mornings, now being one of them. The computer is giving me problems. It's about seven years old so what can you expect? I'm trying to hang in with it.

I should've been in bed hours ago. C'est la vie. Yawn.

Time for a break

I've been running on empty for a while now and yesterday it really caught up with me. For many months my routine has consisted of going to bed after 2am and getting less than six hours sleep. I haven't been taking care of myself and it's showing. I need balance. This might mean creating a different writing schedule.

I've fallen in love with writing but if I fail to balance my life, I'll have little energy left to create or learn about the craft. I've noticed it's gotten harder and I think it's due more to a lack of rest than writer's block.

Had a nap this afternoon and still feel tired. Grrr.

Analysis Paralysis

Today's the last day for tweaking the project. I've fallen back into an ocean of doubt. I read over the material and questions arise. Is this what I want to submit? Then arguments arise why this I should and shouldn't go with what I have. My brain is like a dog chasing its own tail and I feel worn out.

Part of my problem is I'm an all or nothing gal. It's got to be an A+ effort or it's not doing at all. Intellectually I understand that one's best efforts fluctuates by the day, hour and minute. Right now I feel like I'm talking myself into a calm that I'm not sure I believe.

But there's great value in completing the project and submitting it. The experience itself pushes my momentum forward.

On another note, my mother read chapter one yesterday. No editing. I had a lovely chat with my girl Kaia and that bolstered my decision to just go with it. Having her support and encouragement means a lot. Ah, wait till she reads the rest. (snicker).

Back to work.

Mama says...

...she wants to read my material. Gulp.

My mother's pretty cool and has a good sense of humor. We can talk about anything and have. That said she goes to church every Sunday so the notion of letting her read everything I've written makes me blush. She's no prude but the idea of my mom reading some of the more racy material is pretty mortifying. And funny.

I don't know what her reaction would be and since she's my mom she'll probably feel a certain pressure to be supportive...or not. I wonder if she'll cringe at the naughty bits--not because they're there, but because I wrote them and it might not be an accomplishment she's proud to tout.

I know a lot of this is my own perception along with the fact that I tend to be a more private, introverted personality. There's also this--I don't know if stigma is the correct word--label or perception attached to romance writing that doesn't exist with other forms of fiction. I don't know why that is since romance handedly beats out other genres in terms of sales. Even one of the editing books I often refer to (Stein On Writing) calls the genre transient. And these are his readers/customers he's turning his nose up at!

I might just bite the bullet and let her read a chapter. I know she wants to feel included in this thing she knows takes up a lot of my time. Thing is she's an excellent proofreading and I need one. I swear God has a wicked sense of humor.

The week that was

The last few days have been devoted to the Tara project. I got into a frenzy over analyzing the options but yesterday that all settled and there's a great deal of relief in that. Now it's onto finishing the synopsis and completing the package.

It's funny that now my time to devote to chapter four is limited, I'm stomping at the bit to finish it. Hope the feeling's still there when the time rolls around. I would love to have it submitted by Wednesday in time to post next weekend. Doubt that's realistic though. I finish up the material for Tara first, finish chapter four then edit it. It's like a building with lots of scaffolding right now.

Sunday

A dear friend of mine gave birth to her first child today.

While at lunch, there was a family with two little boys sitting nearby. The blonde boy's name was Noah. Gotta love kismet.

Music

Songs on the list were chosen to match the scenes in my head. Some of them capture exactly what I want to evoke. For others, it's a lyric or title that speaks to me or encapsulates a character's POV. I did this before I got into the story because I was still writing Kismet and wanted to have a record of the ideas that would come in odd moments. Like when I'm in the shower.

I'll confess now that I love, love, love music. I could go on and on every song on this list. And I just might.

The chorus for Foolish Games sums up the breakup so well. There's a wistfulness to Jewel's voice and the musical arrangement that made it the lead off song of choice. She's narrating this scene in a way that's accepting and yet she's sad about what it all means: The end of a love affair. Katy Perry's Hot 'n Cold is classic Alex/Sascha. That's what they've been doing for the months prior to the opening scene.

Glorybox for instance is where Sascha's at right now. She wants to enjoy and be enjoyed as a woman, not as a fixer of problems or whatever role she's allowed herself to fall into. She needs to catch her breath and see the world again, which makes Hunter a cool choice too.

The line in Paramore's "there is something...I see in you...it might kill me...I want it to be true" and that riff is so visceral, it describes Alex's hold on her to a tee. And speaking of Mr Tortured, I had him built in my mind but couldn't get the words out. I found Cold and You can do much better than me and Closer then added my imagination. Voila. I can get lost in writing Alex, he's so inward and tormented and contrary. I love it that his energy can be charming and subversive at once.

It's been fun building this playlist, many old favorites appear here and it's a departure for me because I tend to gravitate these days to techno or downtempo tunes. I'm not much of a love song kind of gal.

I better haul butt. I have things to do. Namely the last scene of chapter four.

Tired

There's an urgency as of late. Like I'm rushing to beat the clock and I must get certain things crossed off the list. And this mindset has made me hyper aware of my slow writing pace. It feels like I'm psyching myself out.

I'm tired. No other way to put it. By the time I get the quiet time to sit down and write, my brain feels like mush--too much like mush to channel two other characters' thoughts and concerns. But I push myself to do it because I want to make the most of this time.

Posting on Lit has given me a sense of accountability. It was hard writing in a vacuum with only one or two people to talk shop with. Knowing that there are readers out there who are entertained and curious about the characters makes the writing feel less solitary and keeps me going when I wonder if the story really matters. There's a sense of community that isn't there when you're writing for yourself and by yourself.

At the end of the day, it matters to me. But it's the sharing that's special. And so I sometimes feel bad that I'm not cranking out a new chapter every week. I question if I should have held off a little longer with posting until I had a five chapter lead. Then I remember with Jac said about not letting her writing become a source of stress.

And you know what? At the rate I was going, I might not have gotten to chapter five for several more months. I had gotten into a crippling habit of over-analyzing every word and every paragraph. In this new chapter, there's a stronger forward momentum. In some way, my readers have become my invisible partners. They push me further than I think I can go.

So I end this post feeling grateful.

Setting up shop

Setting up a blog feels like decorating a new home. My last address was over at Myspace but as they say in real estate: Location, location, location.

The blog section over there didn't feel as inviting. The neighborhood felt too random to suit me. Maybe here I'll find an enclave of writers or at least people who appreciate them--those gypsies called readers. Or maybe I'll go unnoticed. Like the neighbor you see every day but don't pay attention to because they've blended into your daily routine.

My intention for this new home? I'll stop by, confess what's on my mind. Ramble a bit and record the story behind the stories I write. Maybe my reader friends will stop by and share their thoughts with me. Whether it's kudos, questions, suggestions or critiques, as long as it comes from a good place, you're all welcome.

I don't know how often I'll haunt this space. Time spent here, means times away from something else. And with the way my computer's been going, it takes a half out to create a five minute e-mail. Let's see how this blogging thing pans out, yes?